TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with mortality and school shootings. Please skip this post if necessary for you.
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I thought of my sweet 8 month-old who was waiting for me to pick her up at daycare. I wondered if she'd ever understand the world if her mommy didn't come one day. It crushed me. I got myself together and picked up my girl, wrapping her up in my arms just a bit tighter. I prayed all the way home.
I asked God if he still wanted me to do this teaching thing. I told Him I just didn't know if I could do it anymore. Going back to work and leaving my baby was so rough. That school year had been one of my roughest I'd had and I was perpetually struggling between mom-guilt and teacher-guilt. Now I was catching myself wondering every morning if when I walked in the classroom that day if I would walk out. Please don't misunderstand, I've never felt unsafe at my school, but after that Valentine's Day I couldn't get my mind to stop asking "what if?" I knew I couldn't go on that way. So I asked God what I should do. The answer he gave me was strange:
"...if I perish, I perish." (Esther 4:16) Seriously? That wasn't exactly the thought I wanted to be thinking. What about about "no evil will befall you, no plague approach your tent. He will command his angels to guard you in all your ways."???(Psalm 91: 10-11). That's a great one, God. Isn't that what you meant?
"...if I perish, I perish." Sigh. I couldn't wrap my mind around what God was trying to say. I tried to pretend like I didn't understand and just had Esther on the brain. As the days went on I couldn't get that verse out of my head. I finally had to accept that God was trying to tell me something and that I should pay attention. Turns out God was trying to tell me A LOT (more on that later). The main thing God was telling me was this: have faith.
In the fourth chapter of the book of Esther, Mordecai asks Esther to petition King Xerxes on behalf of the Jews. Haman's hatred of Mordecai, and subsequently the Jews, had resulting in a law that was going to allow their massacre. Mordecai had asked for Esther's aid, and after first refusing, Esther had agreed. She has asked for the Jews to fast and pray for three days, then she would go to King Xerxes knowing that she didn't have an invitation and if the king did not extend his scepter to her it was going to be instant execution for her. She was risking her life. She knew it. She accepted it. What is more, she had faith that God was going to save her. Her asking for prayer and fasting was (my interpretation) a way to double check to make sure she was getting things right. She wanted to make absolutely sure that this was God's plan and she had his blessing, because if she didn't have his blessing she knew this wasn't going to end well. She went to the king, even though she was anxious and terrified, and because she did an entire people was saved and a massacre avoided.
See, God's lesson for me wasn't to accept my impending doom, but to trust him. God knows the plan he has for me, plans to keep me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). I have to trust God.
The next time I walked into that school, I held my head high, knowing I did have an unseen guard. Knowing I was exactly where God wanted me to be, even if that place was really tough some days and during a scary time. God has my back. Maybe I won't be saving an entire nation, but I maybe I'm going to save a kid. I might be the only glimpse of Jesus that kid sees that day. That's enough for me.
If I perish, I perish...but probably not.
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God taught me so much more about Esther. The Holy Spirit has been really nagging me lately to "talk about Esther." I am going to stop procrastinating and do it. In going back through the book of Esther I realize that there is just way to much to unpack in one post, so I am going to do a series, most likely chapter by chapter, but we'll see what God says about that.
I'm really excited and nervous about this, but "if I perish..."
Love to all!
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